Rock Bottom: ramblings of a black heart

I'm here again. Breaking hearts because I believe it's what's necessary to get to where I need to be.

No.

I wasn't trying. Before it worked because I told myself to let things flow and be whatever they become. I shut down. Told myself it wasn't what I wanted anymore. So it wasn't.

It still feels like I'm looking at myself when I think about him so just imagining the pain he's in because of, hurts me.

I did this though. How can I be "hurt" "upset" or in "pain" when this is what I asked for, this is the answer I've be seeking: to be alone.

To be forced to erase everything and start from scratch. To be forced to pick myself up and try again. To be forced to prove myself, to myself, the only opinion I've ever care about.

To actually try.

I' remember back in 7th grade, at PTC and my teacher said, to my mother "I don't really have a complaint about DeAndre more of an observation; he's so nonchalant about things". I knew what the word meant and agreed. I was nonchalant about life. I wanted to coast through without causing any ripples until a time finally came where I felt I belonged. I didn't see the problem in that and didn't understand the message my teacher was trying to send.

Life is about the ripples. Maybe "my life" would have been started had I actually tried to live instead of being worried about how the world saw me. My thing was, I always knew who I was or rather wanted to be. I knew how I would act, the type friends I wanted, type of home, type of father I would be. And I knew that didn't fit into the world I was living in.

I didn't and did do things base off of how I wanted to be seen. Even by strangers, if they caught a glimpse of what I was doing I wanted to control how they perceived my actions. Control...ego.

Is it my ego telling me to care about what others think of me? Do I believe I am so above them that they must be so aware of me and everything I do?  That they must care?

I always thought I was the problem but maybe even that was my ego, no other's feelings matter but my own.

Point is I'm back, rock bottom.

Finally Figured it Out.

I live with fear in my heart; fear to be honest, fear to be me, fear to be proud. In fear of what people will think of me, in fear of what my family will think of me, in fear of what my friends will think of me, in fear of being me, in fear of saying how I really feel, in fear of what I will think of myself.

I've done things I never wanted to do because I felt it was fair, or right. Now I know it was because I wanted to impress and please every person I came in contact with. I've done things just for the attention. Just because I lived in fear being honest about how I really feel. I grew up under the impression that it was better to pretend things didn't happen or exist than it was to talk about them. This only strengthen the fear i lived with.

It's like all my life I've forced myself to be something I'm not.

Dreams of You

I heard your voice so clear last night
You were there with me
We were us
I felt you on my skin last night
You were here with me
You still loved me

Dead Lovers Arms.

We will never be the same. I know sorry just won't do it. You said that you'd stay but it's just not the same. Your kisses aren't the same. Ur hugs are cold, when u look at me your eyes dont shine as brightly as before. I shouldn't complain, I should just be a man and walk away. But all I want to do is make it better, fix your broken heart. I know that can. All I have to do is make it like before you just have to work with me, you have to know I'm trying. You never believe me when I say I love you anymore but I know that's just anger, you don't mean it, once you see that I'm sorry we'll be ok again, ad we'll be happy. I won't break us like before, never will I make that mistake again, I promise. Can't you see I only want you, can't you forgive me, please, I'm not perfect alone but together we can be. Don't say that, you know we're made for each other. You just have to let me pick up the pieces, you have to let me love you. Why? Because....because there's no one else for me, don't you see that I know that now. I know I should have known it before. Please don't walk away from me, lay in my arms and let me hold you and make it better baby please come back to me. I know you can't keep waiting, I know you need comfort at night. I know you have reason to be scared but believe me when I say I'll never hurt you again, I never want to see the look on your face when I told you again, you just have to trust me, you just have to...

Show Me the Light.

How many times can I say I'll start on monday.
How many times can I say I start this semester.
How many times can I lie to myself.
How many times can I wake up every morning, stare at the ceiling and ask myself the same question "why am I doing this"
How can I know what I need to do but not be willing to do it.
How can I know I want to be successful and that I don't want to fail but not have to drive to do it.
How many chances do I get.
When do I become a statistic.
When is it too late.
Why have I done this to myself.
Everything that's happen, everything I've complained about, has been the result of me making a decision where I thought the outcome would be my happiness.
I was wrong every time.
Now I sit and sulk at night wishing.
Wishing for anything, any change.
Just wishing.
Wanting something to save me because I dont have the drive to save myself.
I've dug this hole so deep that now it's just a free fall.
I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of complaining, tired of feeling like nothing.
Yet here I am.
Making no changes.
My own actions are speaking louder than my words, I just don't know what they mean.

Roses are Red

It's been 2 weeks. I haven't heard you voice, I haven't heard your laugh, I haven't heard you yell and I haven't heard you mad. Strangely I fell fine, but it's just not the same. I knew this time would be different. Someone else slowly pulled you away, I could tell even though you denied it, I just needed to give that final push. I knew exactly what i was doing. I knew you would never leave me, so I had to leave you. I miss you, I miss you so much sometimes. I'm not sad tho, I understand more each day. But you were mine, and you knew that, you liked that. I actually miss you being mad at me, things we take for granted. It's funny how you never realized sometimes I agrued with you on purpose because I was mad at myself, I wad mad at the fact that I knew I would never have you. We needed each other in different ways, and it worked. But I knew our time was winding down. When two people don't need each other anymore what do you have? When two people waking up loving and go to sleep mad, what do you have? When two people constantly say "I love you but..." you don't have anything. I wanted everything with you. I wanted to fix the holes in you heart, I wanted to make you smile, make you laugh, and make you believe. All i did was prove you right. It'll never feel the same...sometimes I want to pick up the phone and call you. I just want to tell you how much i love you, I just want you to know that I thought I didn't need you but i do, I just want you to know that I was wrong, I just want you to know how much it hurts to know you don't need me....

Heaven or Hell

I'm jumping off this bridge. I don't know what's at the bottom, I don't know how long the drop is. But i do know it's better than being here. I know it's better than waking up day after day and asking myself, what are you doing, what are you going to do, how long can this last. You can feel it inside you, you know what you have to do. Dragging my feet against the grain of responsibility. Always sure not to fall in, if it's my choice, if I choose to jump instead of fall then I can control the outcome. I'm not tied to it, it's tied to me and I decide what we do, when and how. So I'm standing here just me, i don't need anything else. You can't stop me, it's not for you to say. I love you because you understand. But this is it, here I go. Just want to jump in the air and stay there. Enjoy it for while, and then fall, head first. I don't know what's along the journey but i know the destination. The mission is what matters, I have things I need to do, I know that now. I gotta make it, heaven or hell, I gotta make it...